How To Love YourSelf
When someone sees my book title Imagine Being Kind To YourSelf, I often hear comments like: “Yes, I really should be doing that more,” and then they go about their merry old ways continuing the old behaviors of being anything but kind to themselves. It makes we wonder: Are you ready to learn how to love yourSelf?
I’ve also heard a number of people tell me: “I’m finally ready to start Loving mySelf.”
Here I get curious about what made them ready and why they waited so long?
Are You Ready To Learn How To Love YourSelf?
Where do you find yourself on the ‘Self Love/being kind to yourself’ scale? Are you at the bottom, clueless what that even means? Or are you slowly crawling up the scale, wondering why it took you so long to treat yourself with Love and Kindness?
Actually, I asked myself that same question many years ago when I finally considered the option to stop being so hard on myself and instead learn how to become my own best friend.
The best answer I have is that I had totally colluded with my pain. I lived with the beliefs that there was definitely something wrong with me and that I was not lovable. That was it! If someone had even suggested Self Love, I think my response would have sounded like this: 嗯？这些说明莫名其妙!
I mean, how could I even consider Self Love when I felt trapped inside of that painful paradigm?
I couldn’t, and I imagine you can’t either if you are still under that spell of unworthiness and unlovability. It’s painful, isn’t it?
I am wondering if I would even have read any of my own articles back then? Probably not. Chinese is not my first language.
Have You Suffered Enough And Ready To Try Self Love?
Does Self Love sound like a foreign language to you too? Maybe you have an inkling of what it means to others, but for you?!?
Oh, how we’ve all been swallowed up by this great misunderstanding of who we truly are and what we are worthy of. How we’ve all been conditioned to shut ourselves off from our inner Wisdom, believing others know more than we do.
I often run up against a wall in others, when I talk about Self Love. For some reason, many of us have to go through more than plenty of suffering before we are willing and ready to try a new way. I wish suffering were not the only motivator to stop treating yourself as a second class citizen.
However, if you happen to be standing against that wall now, no matter how you got there, and are weary of denying yourself the goodness of life, let me share a few things I’ve learned since I broke through my side of that wall.
How I Broke Through The Wall
When I took a clear stand and vowed to never treat myself the way I had been, ever again, I embraced a power within me that I had lost touch with, during all the painful years of self doubt, self hate and self denial. The pain of this ongoing torture had worn me down to finally realize that I didn’t want to do that to myself anymore. Finally, I had had enough and wanted something else. It was a strong decision and without it, you may still have found me in the trenches.
So now that I had made this vow, how was I going to do it? All I had to go by at this point was that I didn’t want to do this to myself anymore, but I didn’t know what to do instead. So … how? My determination gave me the option to say no whenever I would glide into the muddy trenches – simply by default. That was the how for now: Refuse to continue at the very moment when I found myself slipping back in. Or, if I were lucky enough to catch the first glimmer of the familiar, old suggestions knocking on my door, I would simply refuse to open.
I really started getting a ‘feel’ for using the power of saying no to the familiar suggestions to put myself down. It felt good. Yet, to be honest with you, I probably fell into the trenches more times than I would like to admit. It was a deeply ingrained pattern that didn’t just take the first no for an answer. However, my determination was strong and my no was getting stronger. This started my journey out of the trenches, without any idea of what my next step would be. I didn’t care. I gave myself permission to exercise my no, maybe more often than needed. I had to. I just had to use this new powerful weapon against the demons who were used to my subservient yes.
All this didn’t happen overnight, trust me. Without knowing where all this was going, I fumbled a lot and little by little learned what steps to take and when. This fumbling, falling and getting up again, eventually made me become the Self Love Mentor that I am today. I started seeing steps, obstacles, dead ends, tricksters, successes and failures. I saw doors open and close. I also saw doors open and open even wider. I paid attention and finally (after many years) could authentically show someone like you how to Love yourSelf. My own pain and suffering slowly turned into my life’s Calling, something I would never have imagined when I took my first stand many years ago.
So after you make a clear commitment to not treat yourself like you have been doing anymore, it’s now time to start meeting these hurt, scared and angry parts with love. You can find more detailed steps in my free book 5 Steps To Dive Into The Divine Feminine Flow. Of if you feel ready to dive right in now, please contact me for a free 30 min. Discovery Session.
There are certain behaviors that keep a closed door shut, no matter how hard you push against it. The biggest one is resistance – resisting the parts of yourself that you hate, dislike and are ashamed of. Resisting yourself keeps you imprisoned forever, and if you want to move past the wall where we just met, you’ll need a new strategy.
Have you ever pulled one of those Chinese finger traps, where one finger goes into each end, and the harder you pull, the tighter it gets? The more you try to get away from it, the more you feel stuck? Well, that’s no different from the painful emotions that you are trying to get rid of. The more you resist them, the more stuck you feel.
Back to the Chinese finger trap: When you move towards it, it loosens, the tightness softens and you can effortlessly slip out.
This is what I use as one of my first strategic steps called Allowing. Allowing is the opposite of resisting and simply works to get out of your self imposed Chinese trap. It may feel counter-intuitive, but just like with the Chines trap, it works. You’ll have to shift your familiar tendency to get away from discomfort and instead be open to experiencing it.
Just try it as an experiment first. Test out this theory. Find out what happens when you are willing to move towards a painful feeling that you normally try to get rid of. Start with a small one that doesn’t overwhelm you. Allow space for it. Breathe into it and find out what happens. This is your experiment and is for you to find out if the grip loosens of not.
When you let go of resistance and make space for whatever you have resisted, you release a lot of energy. This energy was stuck in the trap when you moved away from it. Now, when you move towards it with a curiosity, you’ll notice that the feeling you wanted to get rid of, gets exposed. It’s vulnerable and needs your care.
Would you be able and willing to meet it with the same kindness as you would a scared little child or animal? Try it and find out how this feeling responds. It may be confused at first because it’s not used to your kindness yet. Imagine offering it a loving hand or caring touch to let it know you are here to help. Take your time to get used to your new relationship with this pain.
When that part feels safe enough, it will slowly let you know about how it’s feeling and what it’s upset about. This is the released energy coming out from the trap of resistance. It’s been waiting for you to Listen and take it seriously and now is the time to do that. Use this opportunity to take a nice, gentle breath down into the area where this feeling has been stuck. Why don’t you take a few more kind, gentle in-breaths as if you want to say ‘Hi’ to this pain or fear. Do it with a caring attitude to make sure this newly liberated feeling stays open. Just notice what changes when you gently approach it that way with a curious, caring attitude.
The connection has been made. You are now in a new relationship with your previously resisted feeling. Can you feel the difference? If you need more time, just keep breathing kindly into the area in your body and do your best to be caring and curious. The aim here is to learn more about this pain that was stuck, Listen to it and befriend it. This part has a story to tell and needs you to Listen.
Maybe nobody has ever Listened to that part of you, least of all you. Here’s your opportunity to deeply Listen and learn about yourself in a whole new way. You’ll start connecting with the language of your Soul that has been suppressed and stuck in the Chinese trap. Wouldn’t you want to know your first step into freedom – a whole new freedom as offered by your Soul? Here’s your first opportunity. Make sure you grab it!
I am a Self-Love Mystic & Mentor at Divine Feminine Flow. If you need more support in liberating your trapped Feelings, feel free to contact me for a free 30 min. Discovery Session to learn how Self Love Mentoring can help you experience more Love, Peace and Joy in your life and how true Self Love can turn your whole life around. Also, make sure to download my free e-book, 5 Steps To Dive Into The Divine Feminine Flow which will help you with your next phase of Self Love.