I got into my car after my Hakomi session, closed the door and let out a happy “Yes” with my arms flying up into the air. “Yes, yes, yes! I can just Be mySelf!” I drove off with a big smile on my face, and a warm, happy feeling in my belly. Nothing ever felt better than just Being mySelf without the old crusty beliefs trying to keep me small and insignificant and making me doubt my own truths and values. This was the beginning of experiencing the joy of just Being mySelf, something I had never even considered.
I got this happy feeling almost every time after these sessions where I got to explore from a Felt Sense in the body where I was not aligned with my own values and wisdom, and how to get back in touch with them.
Living as if my values aren’t as valuable as anyone else’s, or as if my wisdom isn’t as wise as anyone else’s really makes no sense anymore. But that’s how I lived most of my life. I had a whole collection of identities that were not me, pretending I was like everyone else.
It’s quite a journey to find our way back Home to ourSelf as ourSelf, and have the courage to stand out, fit out (as opposed to fit in), and possibly be seen as weird by others.
It takes a lot of courage, and I want to encourage (no pun intended) you to start that journey.
My Friend Hakomi Showed Me It Was OK Just Being MySelf
Finding out Who I Am, means doing a bit of digging through this crust of identities and survival strategies acquired over a life time of living in a world where just Being mySelf is not really OK. Because everyone else is trying to survive in this world too, it makes these identities so much more believable and harder to ‘disbelief.’
However, just because something seems hard, doesn’t mean it’s not possible.
If there is ONE thing that stands out for me from all my years of Soul-searching through workshops, retreats, meditation and therapy, Hakomi wins first price. Hakomi helped make it possible for me to move beyond these ‘not-me’ identities and keep arriving at that feeling of “Yes, yes, yes, I can just Be mySelf!”
Now you may wonder, who is this Hakomi, that I am so grateful to?
Well, it’s actually not a person. It’s a method developed by Ron Kurtz many years ago and is gaining more and more recognition in the therapy world to create deeper and lasting transformation. It is also called assisted Self-study, because together with your Hakomi practitioner you learn how to study yourSelf in a very safe and loving environment.
There is an innate trust in your organic unfolding into the Real You, which is exactly that feeling I got every time of “Yes, yes, yes, I can just Be mySelf!”
As a Hakomi practitioner I know the Real You lives inside of you under all these false identities. Given the ripe environment she/he will naturally and organically blossom.
The Ripe Environment
Just like seeds, plants and flowers need ideal circumstances to come into their fullest expression, so do we. The best environment for that to happen is what the Hakomi principles are built on: Safety, Loving Presence, Non-violence, Body-mind connection, Mindfulness and a trust in the Organic unfolding.
When the ripe environment is set, the seed can naturally unfold into what it’s meant to become. A rose, a blade of grass, an oak tree?
So with us. When we feel safe, loved and supported we are more inclined to expose the parts that we thought were not OK to be seen. When we expose them to the sun, the Love and the Light, they naturally unfold their petals so the innermost part of our Being that we came here to Be is seen.
Who are you? Who am I?
Hakomi Means “Who Am I?”
Who Am I if I’m not ‘my’ self-doubt, ‘my’ fear, ‘my’ not-feeling-lovable or ‘my’ not-being-good- enough? What is left?
Hakomi is a Hopi Indian word meaning, “How do I stand in relation to these many realms?” This was their ancient way of saying “Who Am I?” and this describes the Hakomi process so well. It safely shines Light on our relationship to all these realms of identities and beliefs that we run into in our daily life (or shall we say that run our daily life?), and also uncovers the ‘Who Am I’ underneath it all.
Because Hakomi has been so key to my own transformation and embodiment, I want to share a few of its principles that make the process feel both very safe and powerful all at once.
Safety. I don’t know about you, but unless I feel safe – REALLY safe – I am not going to expose my hurt, scared and embarrassed parts to you. These parts already feel so scared that they’d prefer to stay in hiding behind a facade that looks happy, capable, strong or even spiritual.
No thank you, if I’m going to show my real colors underneath this outer image, I need to be 150% sure that you are not going to shame me or make me wrong.
In my experience, the best way to feel safe is by Being in the Presence of someone who can make me feel seen, heard and understood with a strong sense of Love and Acceptance, and certainly without any judgment, shame or unkind remarks.
Loving Presence and Non-violence are natural building blocks in Hakomi and helps you feel safe and curious to learn about yourself – both the light and the shadow parts. Over time, of course you’ll learn to meet yourSelf with Loving Presence and Acceptance, but since we didn’t learn that when we grew up, it’s important to have a way-shower that you feel safe with. Once you get the Feel of it, you can keep a bottle of this essential Love remedy in your inner medicine chest and take the required dosage daily.
Extending Self Love and Self Acceptance is a big missing experience in our culture and in my opinion (what else can you expect from a Self Love Mentor?) maybe even the biggest missing piece to create real Peace on Earth.
Well, let’s safe that story for another day.
You need to be able to cultivate a quality of Mindfulness in order to be able to distance yourself from your present direct experience and look at it from an observer’s point of view. When the observing is done consciously without opinions, judgments or shaming, you access a natural curiosity “Hmm, what is really going on here? Let’s explore this a little deeper.”
At this point you’ll be able to get to know yourself and learn how you ‘relate to these other realms,’ and start making new choices based on your findings.
In Hakomi we also pay close attention to the Body-Mind connection and use the body as a doorway into your present Now experience. We are more interested in the story teller (You!) than in the story itself. The story teller is the ‘Who Am I?’ and that’s the one we want to uncover and bring back to life. Your body is a mirror of your story teller and a wonderful companion to learn from as long as she/he is treated with love and respect.
There is so much more I can tell you about Hakomi, but I think giving you a little sample will help you get a Feel for it more so than just a mental understanding.
Hakomi offers something we call a missing experience. For the most part we don’t even know we are missing something inside, yet unconsciously it is running a big part of our lives.
I think most of us missed a lot of nourishing, empowering and ‘healthy attachment’ experiences in our upbringing. Somehow we have lived through an era where that was not a priority, and now most of us, if not all, are walking around with a feeling inside as if something is missing or that something is wrong with us. It feels as if we’ve been malnourished and need to find a good vitamin pill to make us feel whole again. Even though we may not be consciously aware of it, we are looking for it all the time. It’s natural to want to feel whole! It’s your birthright! You just need to find the right pill and ingest it in the right environment, so it can nourish the parts that feel something is missing.
Doing this consciously makes the deal and brings you peace.
Doing it unconsciously breaks the deal and keeps you looking.
Having someone assist you in the beginning is probably the best way to learn to do it consciously and helps make the deal.
It’s never too late to receive and digest the missing experience, but first we need to consciously feel what is missing and what it feels like when we receive it. Then we can open ourselves up to be nourished by it, and only then can we start feeling more whole (deal-maker) and are less inclined to go looking for it in the wrong places again (deal-breaker).
Receiving The Missing Experience
A common example of a missing experience could be:
You were never heard or properly listened to when you grew up, and you came to believe that nobody cares what you have to say, even to this day. It’s likely still all happening unconsciously, and keeps you trapped in trying to be heard by people: you unconsciously repeat yourself, speak loud, get upset when people don’t pay attention, or any other variety. Underneath is the belief that what you say is not important because that was your missing experience earlier in life.
Now imagine hearing someone say this to you with real sincerity: “What you say, matters to me,” or “I really would like to know how you feel about this.”
Take a moment here and notice the effect of those statements. Feel what happens when you hear this.
Do you believe it? Disbelieve it? Feel relief?
If this missing experience resonates with you, you’ll likely either feel a wall of disbelief rising up inside of you, maybe followed by a longing for it to be true. Or you’ll feel a warmth of relief that finally someone offered you what you’d been missing your whole life. Tears are not an uncommon experience here. Please welcome them if they show up.
The important part here is that it’s done consciously, so you can consciously notice what actually happens when you receive this and what you do with it.
The Love Pill And The Joy Of Just Being MySelf
The warm feeling is the effect of receiving and ingesting this missing vitamin pill – let’s call it the Love Pill. Receiving it from someone outside of yourself, like a Hakomi Therapist, is essential in the beginning to help you open up to this warm feeling in a conscious way.
It’s also meant to bring up the part that doesn’t know how to receive it. If you felt disbelief, remember that that is part of the ‘many realms’ too, so we also need to know how you stand in relationship to the ‘realm’ of receiving.
Every part gets to be heard and every part gets included. We study it together to find out what that part needs to eventually be able to receive the benefits of the Love Pill too.
Take these Love Pills on a regular basis until the belief that nobody cares what you have to say starts fading. When it is given with mindfulness and received with mindfulness, the vitamin Love Pill starts filling up what was missing. Over time, I’ll prescribe a Self Love pill instead because this is always at hands’ reach in your own inner medicine chest.
Can you begin to imagine what is possible?
How about: “Yes, yes, yes, it’s OK just to Be mySelf!” Or maybe: “Yes, yes, yes, what I say matters!” and throw up your hands in the air with a natural joy knowing how wonderful it is to be YOU!
I offer a 30 min free Discovery Session for you to find out if this is an organic next step in your journey. Looking forward to hearing from you!