Are You A Good Listener?

I Used To Interrupt A Lot

Many years ago a dear Friend of mine got upset with me after we had been on the phone together. She said, “You are always interrupting me and not listening!”
Ouch! That hurt, and I had to take a good look at my poor listening skills. What I realized was that indeed, I was not listening. I was just waiting to say what I wanted to say and was not aware that I kept interrupting her – a lot.
That is how it was in my family when I grew up. Nobody ever really Listened. I was mostly told what to do and to shut up. Nobody seemed interested in what I had to say.
Do you know that one?
Consequently, I had a great need to be seen AND heard. Those needs were still unconscious, so my unconscious, emotional body was the one doing the speaking and the listening. 

 Unconscious Needs Are Bad Listeners

Unconscious needs are not bad in themselves, they just don’t know how to listen to others. They only know one thing: They want their needs met and only have access to the skills they learned in early childhood: Yelling, getting upset, pleasing, shutting down. It may have worked somewhat back then, but at our age, it doesn’t get us what we want.
An important first step is to become aware and acknowledge that you have these needs and want to be seen and heard. Next step is to consciously embrace that in yourself with a loving attitude. (Until you can fully and lovingly own these needs, you’ll keep looking for it on the outside.) Then you can start speaking a new language and ask for that directly without the outgrown tools from the past.

 How well do you know your own emotional, unconscious needs?

When somebody speaks to you, are you sincerely listening to them or are you mostly listening to your own needs? Your answer will tell you which part you are listening with and to.
We all have a natural need to be seen, heard and acknowledged. There is nothing wrong with that. However, because we rarely are being seen, heard and acknowledged in a way that feels satisfying to help the needy parts relax, we keep trying – we interrupt, please more, speak louder, repeat ourselves and on it goes. The result? We are NOT being seen, heard or acknowledged.

 A scenario: 

A Greek man talks to a Chinese woman. The man speaks Greek and the woman doesn’t understand a word, and tells him so in Chinese. The man doesn’t understand what she says, so he repeats himself – with the same response from her. Now he gets upset and starts speaking louder, hoping to get through to her. He doesn’t. The conversation gets louder and louder with all the same words…
Familiar?
This is what we do, isn’t it? We think that repeating something that is not being heard, or speaking louder will do the trick. But it doesn’t.

Let’s explore that topic of Listening deeper on Tuesday Nov 5th at 11AM PST on Evolutionary Women Radio. You can tune in on Awakened Radio and share yourself, ask questions or just say Hello.
ALL Love<
Pernilla