- Do you think this title sounds a little harsh to tell you to stop being a nice girl?
- Would you feel better if I said it in a nicer way instead of being so direct?
If your answer is yes to either or both, you may be suffering from the Nice Girl syndrome.
I agree that it’s challenging to find a safe way to be direct and honest without coming across as harsh, bossy or even bitchy.
Not that ‘not being nice’ has to sound harsh, but when you are used to being a nice girl, being honest feels so opposite that you are convinced you’ll be perceived as harsh.
As Women we are so afraid to be judged by others when we are anything other than accommodating, caring and loving, and this fear keeps us stuck in the Nice Girl syndrome. You don’t want to hurt anyone, so you filter your words through the ‘nice filter’ and wonder why you feel so fake or angry inside.
Recently I heard it once again that someone was afraid to just say it as it is out of fear of hurting others or what they might think about her.
Boy, those strands go deep, don’t they! Being honest means you are a bitch, harsh, cold, uncaring or that you won’t be liked!
Really! Who says?
Those strands are remnants from the old paradigm and still live in many of us as a default filtering system to make sure we won’t hurt anyone and continue being liked. It’s an emotional survival instinct that we’ve used for eons. Just consider how we as Women have held ourselves back out of fear of being judged. How often have we swallowed words to make sure not to create a stir or making someone lose face. And how much of our life feels compromised and empty, just because we are not being ourSelves.
I remember my days of being nice when I still lived in Denmark. We would joke amongst us that we had graduated from the Nicey-Nice-School with flying colors. Some were always so saccharinely nice, that it would almost make us puke.
These were in the early stages when we were just becoming conscious of our nice-ness. It was still common practice to fit in and not even question it. We were happily asleep in our ignorance and didn’t think anything of it.
It felt very liberating to feel the inner push to let go of being nice and step out of the comfort zone and try to be more honest. It felt safer to do so amongst other Women on the same path.
I don’t know about you, but when you start getting the taste of what you are doing, it gives you a foul taste in your mouth and makes you reconsider if it’s worth it. The taste of nice, didn’t make me ask for seconds.
Unconsciously we had all gone to this same Nicey-Nice-School where Honesty was not part of the curriculum.
The Women’s Lib’s Knew How To Stop Being A Nice Girl
Remember those days? We had to brake through some tough inner barriers (the nice filter) so we could open up to the Honest Women inside of us. Those barriers were thick and strong and it took some force to get through this filter.
The Women’s Lib movement didn’t always have a good reputation. They were – and according to some, still are – seen as harsh Women, tough cookies or bitches. However, these Women broke the mold for you and I so we can benefit from a slowly evolving Freedom for all Women. Pioneers always receive the brunt.
I certainly remember how afraid I was when I started speaking my truth and I don’t think it came out so gracefully either. I’d bet it was the same with those Women who started the movement. It was scary to step out of the mold. I had to brace myself for the potential negative impact when I would just say it as it is. I’d bet it sounded harsh and bitchy at first and I realized later that it is the thick wall of fear that makes our initial attempts to be honest less than attractive.
I also experienced a lot of anger behind the nice filter after so many years of suppression, and truth be told, when that anger came out, it sounded harsh.
Let’s not expect that we’ll do it all perfectly when we stop being a nice girl. Let’s accept that we are going to go through a learning curve to bring out our honesty and give ourselves permission to fumble and stumble, and maybe even swear!
I would suggest you start talking to your Friends who support you in this process. It’s actually really fun to practice with safe Friends who are also sick and tired of being nice. I wrote an article about how to do it and have some fun with it too.
The Honest Woman Behind The Nice Filter
I bow to myself and to all the other Women for taking the steps to brake through the walls of niceness. It takes a lot of courage to do so and as a pioneer, you don’t always get a medal for it. It was not easy then, and it still isn’t today when you are just starting out on your path to honesty.
However, today the Honest Woman who lives behind the nice filter has grown too big and can’t be held back. I am welcoming Her to come out in each and every Woman. You are not alone anymore. You don’t need to wear Birkenstock, go bra-less, swear or be angry. Those were the stereo types back in the early days. That is not necessary anymore.
Today it is more accepted and there is a lot of support in your search to Be yourSelf and getting your Voice heard.
Stop Being A Nice Girl Now
When you connect back to that Inner Awakening Women – the Truth of who you are – you realize how much energy it takes to hold Her back and to suppress Her True Voice. There’s a lot of bottled up Energy in there. The more we filter Her through ‘nice’, the more energy builds up and the harsher it sounds when She finally makes it through. Now is a good time and reason to stop being a nice girl. Instead I would like to welcome She, the Honest Woman into this world and guide you and I to be more honest and more true to ourSelves in everything we do. Let’s support each other in making this shift so we don’t feel alone anymore. Let’s do it with humor and permission to f–k up because there is no way you are going to make that transition perfectly anyway.
You can go here for more tips and practices to prepare the way for the Honest Woman to take front stage.
If you need some support, remember you can always sign up for a 30 min free Discovery Session with me to discover what kind of support you may need for your ever unfolding journey.