Blessings and wishes for an enlightening, fulfilling and inspired new year with full access to the already existing Love inside which is YOU. Yes, that ‘Self Love thing,’ let’s learn a little more about that. What is Self Love? Is it more than just a fancy phrase?
As a Self Love Mentor I think it’s fair to clarify what Self Love is and isn’t, and why I have chosen to make Self Love the foundation of my coaching practice. Without really understanding what True Self Love is and what it can do for you, it’s easy to get caught in the outdated views and beliefs from the old paradigm.
Let’s see what online Wikipedia has to say. It looks like it has changed significantly over time:
- Traditional view: Self love has often been seen as a moral flaw, akin to vanity and selfishness. Cicero considered those who were lovers of themselves without rivals, were doomed in the end to failure.
- The 20th century re-interpretation says as follows:
Eric Fromm proposed a re-evaluation of Self Love in a positive sense, arguing that in order to be able to truly love another person, a person needs first to love oneself, in the way of respecting oneself, and knowing oneself (e.g. being realistic and honest about one’s strengths and weaknesses). He also proposed that loving oneself is different from being arrogant, conceited, or egocentric, meaning instead caring about oneself and taking responsibility for oneself.
Which one do you abide by?
Old and new paradigm
The first one I call ‘old paradigm view.’ The second ‘new paradigm view.’
As you can see from Wiki, they are really opposite, aren’t they? So it’s not surprising if the concept of Self Love feels a little unnerving, especially if you are a Woman raised to believe that your needs are less important than anyone else’s (old paradigm, hint hint).
Imagine someone calling you selfish!!! Imagine letting Light into any unloved parts hiding in the dark!
If the concept of old and new paradigm is unfamiliar to you, please hang in there. I’ve used those terms for a long time as I noticed the world changing and moving towards unity, love and cooperation, as opposed to separation, me against you, and competition. It’s a shift many of us are going through, and something we have to get comfortable with while the rest of the world still lives by the old rules and will gladly ridicule us for being different than they are.
It’s not prevalent yet, I agree. However, if you follow other than the ‘old paradigm news outlets’ you’ll likely notice the new paradigm’s values popping up all over the place.
What is Self Love? Is It A Magic Potion?
As a ‘new paradigm gal’ I feel quite comfortable with Self Love. I’ve seen its transformative power from a deeper perspective and know what it’s done for me and for so many of my clients. It feels like a magic potion, when applied consciously.
When you understand how to bring True Self Love to all the disowned, judged, shamed, scared, sad and suffering parts inside, you realize that it’s not selfish at all. It’s healing and transforming on so many levels that the word selfish makes no sense and has no business here.
However, when not understood correctly, it goes undercover and becomes selfish, narcissistic and vain. In that category it’s all about image and an ego so desperate for Love, yet afraid to show its vulnerability, that it tries to rise above the pain and despair instead of healing it.
You may have heard the term spiritual bypassing before. Bypassing pain keeps it intact and now covered with a layer of hardness and pretense. That’s actually what is really selfish, because your fear of being authentic and vulnerable caters to the small self/ego and lets it run the show.
Could that be why the traditional view from Wiki was seen as selfish? Was it because they didn’t understand the true meaning, power and healing impact of Self Love?
Every part inside that is being disowned and denied Love, will turn into something that looks selfish, vain and certainly doomed to end to failure.
There is so much I want to share about Self Love, and I promise that I’ll cover more about all the juicy details in the future after today’s initial introduction. Self Love is richer than gold, as mysterious as the Divine and one of the most transformative practices you’ll ever engage in.
Self Love shows up in infinite ways
Because Self Love shows up in so many different ways for different people at different times, it’s impossible to just write a list of all the things that Self Love is.
How it shows up depends on the situation, circumstances, environment, culture, history, unconscious and conscious expectations, evolutionary and developmental state, age, gender, context and so much more. What may be Self Love for one, may feel like self sabotage to someone else. What may feel like a self defeating compromise for one, may be the most Self Loving behavior someone else can bring to their life on that particular day.
Self Love is…
I still would like to leave you with a few general suggestions to start off with and then go into more depth and detail as we dive deeper into this wonderful subject every week.
Self Love starts where you are right now. Here you meet yourself as Lovingly as you are able to, given the current tools and experiences you have access to. That includes accepting yourself no matter how clueless and judgmental you feel right now as it relates to Self Love. It all starts right here and right now.
Self Love means that you have good regards for yourSelf and endeavor to do what is best for you as well as the circumstance you find yourself in.
Self Love are the thoughts, beliefs, words and actions you use to promote your highest state of well-Being in order to live the most beautiful life you can, given the circumstances you were born into and find yourself in.
Self Love is noticing when and where you are treating yourself unkindly, such as when you harshly judge and criticize yourself, shame, undermine and compromise your deepest truths and longings – and then the trick is to not judge yourself for what you notice.
Notice your behavior without judging yourself
Let’s start here then, shall we: Notice when and how you judge yourself or treat yourself unkindly – and just notice it. That’s all. Just notice it. It can be a big wake up call when you first notice how you, yourself have been your own worst enemy and never even knew.
As you notice it, please do your best not to judge yourself for it. Instead have some compassion for the way you unconsciously have been doing this. Try to find a bit of gratitude for seeing something you hadn’t seen before. Just do your best, OK?
This is where true and lasting transformation starts: Becoming conscious of an unconscious behavior without making yourself wrong for it.
If you need help and still wonder “What Is Self Love?” , please reach out. I am here for you.
Pernilla Lillarose is a Self Love Mystic & Mentor at Divine Feminine Flow. Feel free to contact her for a free 30 min. Discovery Session to learn how true Self Love can turn your whole life around. You can also order the book Imagine Being Kind To YourSelf to jumpstart your journey into Self Love.